How to Succeed in School Without Really Learning.
Rule Number One: Play the game. School, after all, is not unlike any of the other social or occupational arenas you will find yourself thrust into throughout the course of your existence. The primary goal of this institution must never be confused in your thinking with its stated objective. However passionately the Educational hierarchy attempts to persuade you that true mastery of the academic curriculum is the goal, the real applicable knowledge and skills you can glean from this experience are the strategies, intricacies and vagaries of playing the game. Once you master the basic gamesmanship of life, all other pursuits become measurably more attainable, and immeasurably more enjoyable.
Rule Number Two: Know Your Opponent. Teachers, administrators, counselors, and support staff all like to think of themselves as members of your team. They enjoy the fantasy of being on your side, and many have honestly deluded themselves into believing they are there to help you. This is a weakness that must be exploited. Ignore the less savvy players around you who will attempt to label your exploitation as Sucking Up or Brown Nosing. These critics of your strategy are simply less skilled players, unaware of the vast resources available to them through careful implementation of this skill. The truly adept player will scrutinize every nuance of the opponent’s personality and instructional style in order to master the ability of “giving them what they want.” Once the opponent has been successfully lulled into a false sense of security and genuinely trusts you as his or her disciple and close personal friend, you are free to exploit this weakness at will.
Rule Number Three: Know the Rules: Like all good games, school comes complete with governing rules, boundaries if you will, which define how the game must be played. Many less adept players suffer exceedingly due to their pathetic ignorance of these rules. School Board Policies, after all, are not simply lengthy documents designed to amuse the burned out educators who have moved on to lofty offices at the Department of Education in Sacramento. They are a veritable treasure trove of loopholes to be exploited by the clever player. A crafty player will fully familiarize himself with this document and access it regularly to stave off unpleasant consequences of his behavior. If you have an older brother or sister away at law school, it would be wise to ship them a copy along with a box of cookies and a six- pack of imported beer to keep them on retainer. Never underestimate the power of the loophole in the hands of a good defense attorney.
Rule Number Four: Master the Art of Misdirection: Misdirection has always been at the heart of great success. Magician, athlete, and politician alike have used this throughout history. Properly applied, misdirection can completely change the course of the game. Never accept responsibility for something that you can reasonable pawn off on someone else. This principle applies to your opponents and fellow players alike. Most of the opponents, as stated earlier, desperately want to be considered as belonging to your inner circle and will quickly back peddle under the accusation that all your worldly troubles are in some way their fault. Your fellow players, on the other hand, may be slightly less open to accepting the blame, but if you devise an airtight frame-up they will never risk breaking the silent code of the playground and being branded as a tattle- tale or narc. While some might criticize this as shifting the blame, you must remember that history is written by the victor, and any present and momentary unpleasantries will certainly be offset by the overwhelming thrill of victory on graduation day.
Rule Number Five: Avoid What You Don’t Know: While most exams and assignments masquerade as an attempt to teach or evaluate what has been learned, they are in reality much more valuable as an opportunity to hone the players skills of avoidance. Avoidance, after all, may quite possibly be the most important and readily transferable skill in one’s bag of tricks later in life. Avoidance must never be confused with mere procrastination, the aim of which is to put off work to a later date and time. No, Avoidance has its feet firmly planted on the summit and pinnacle of true gamesmanship, the ability to succeed without actually doing. School is abundant with opportunities to exercise this skill. Essay exams, for instance, offer the master player exhilarating avenues to explore the fine art of avoidance. The master player quickly learns that essay exams can be easily defeated by focusing on obscuring what you don’t know rather than wasting valuable time attempting to demonstrate what you do.
Rule Number Six: Seize The Day: School is not unlike any other great athletic or military endeavor populated with countless fine athletes and soldiers content to slog away on the line or in the trenches only to have their quarterback or general rise up to dart across that goal line or plant the flag on that hilltop, seizing the glory and accolades of their fans or countrymen around them. The key to winning this game is quite often in knowing when to hand the ball off or send another wave of grunts, and knowing when to carry the ball or swoop onto the hilltop yourself. Group projects, while revered by your opponents as a synergetic fusion of academic and social learning opportunity, are ripe for exploitation on this playing field. The key to execution of this tactic is the understanding that there is one thing most players fear more than work itself; that is presenting the work. Overcoming the fear of presenting uniquely positions you to Seize the Day and steal the glory, effectively taking credit for all the laborious work of your fallen comrades.
Rule Number Seven: Keep Your Eye on the Prize: Last, but perhaps most importantly, you must always remain focused on the goal, graduation (with a diploma). Never let your opponents or fellow players distract you with nonsense like actual acquisition of useful academia or burden you with the heavy load of real knowledge in any subject area. A carefully selected smattering of trivia in any curricular area will be sufficient to slide peacefully by in any future social or occupational situation. Again, the critics and less skilled players will attempt to persuade you otherwise with laughably irrational arguments that the journey is more important than the destination, and that knowledge is the beginning of understanding or the key to unlocking your full potential. The master player nods and smiles patronizingly in the face of such attacks, realizing that they are usually short lived and have no real power to hurt him. If, however, the opponent continues to push the issue, you may be forced to unleash the full, unbridled power of your game. Dig in, after all it is a game, and games are about winning. You know your opponent, use that knowledge and let him know how much you appreciate his sage advice and guidance in life, and assure him that you will always seek him out in times of need, even though, according to the rules, section five, subsection three of the newly revised school board policy removed the requirement of attending his class due to your second aunt’s ethnic heritage and the reclassification of your diagnosis as ADD, ADHD, LEP, ESL, 504,502,and admission to MENSA. Misdirect him into a conversation about the current state of compulsory education in light of the disintegrating American Nuclear Family and the insufficient budgets and salary allocations for schools and educators alike, thus effectively ending any further discussion of your personal educational process and avoiding any admissions of what you don’t know. As soon as your opponent really gets going down this path of discussion, seize the moment, reminding him of how successfully he has mentored the countless lost souls like yourself and how grateful you will be as you gaze through misty eyes across that glorious graduation stage at his proud visage as you accept that long awaited, hard won, pinnacle of accomplishment, your high school diploma!
Rule Number One: Play the game. School, after all, is not unlike any of the other social or occupational arenas you will find yourself thrust into throughout the course of your existence. The primary goal of this institution must never be confused in your thinking with its stated objective. However passionately the Educational hierarchy attempts to persuade you that true mastery of the academic curriculum is the goal, the real applicable knowledge and skills you can glean from this experience are the strategies, intricacies and vagaries of playing the game. Once you master the basic gamesmanship of life, all other pursuits become measurably more attainable, and immeasurably more enjoyable.
Rule Number Two: Know Your Opponent. Teachers, administrators, counselors, and support staff all like to think of themselves as members of your team. They enjoy the fantasy of being on your side, and many have honestly deluded themselves into believing they are there to help you. This is a weakness that must be exploited. Ignore the less savvy players around you who will attempt to label your exploitation as Sucking Up or Brown Nosing. These critics of your strategy are simply less skilled players, unaware of the vast resources available to them through careful implementation of this skill. The truly adept player will scrutinize every nuance of the opponent’s personality and instructional style in order to master the ability of “giving them what they want.” Once the opponent has been successfully lulled into a false sense of security and genuinely trusts you as his or her disciple and close personal friend, you are free to exploit this weakness at will.
Rule Number Three: Know the Rules: Like all good games, school comes complete with governing rules, boundaries if you will, which define how the game must be played. Many less adept players suffer exceedingly due to their pathetic ignorance of these rules. School Board Policies, after all, are not simply lengthy documents designed to amuse the burned out educators who have moved on to lofty offices at the Department of Education in Sacramento. They are a veritable treasure trove of loopholes to be exploited by the clever player. A crafty player will fully familiarize himself with this document and access it regularly to stave off unpleasant consequences of his behavior. If you have an older brother or sister away at law school, it would be wise to ship them a copy along with a box of cookies and a six- pack of imported beer to keep them on retainer. Never underestimate the power of the loophole in the hands of a good defense attorney.
Rule Number Four: Master the Art of Misdirection: Misdirection has always been at the heart of great success. Magician, athlete, and politician alike have used this throughout history. Properly applied, misdirection can completely change the course of the game. Never accept responsibility for something that you can reasonable pawn off on someone else. This principle applies to your opponents and fellow players alike. Most of the opponents, as stated earlier, desperately want to be considered as belonging to your inner circle and will quickly back peddle under the accusation that all your worldly troubles are in some way their fault. Your fellow players, on the other hand, may be slightly less open to accepting the blame, but if you devise an airtight frame-up they will never risk breaking the silent code of the playground and being branded as a tattle- tale or narc. While some might criticize this as shifting the blame, you must remember that history is written by the victor, and any present and momentary unpleasantries will certainly be offset by the overwhelming thrill of victory on graduation day.
Rule Number Five: Avoid What You Don’t Know: While most exams and assignments masquerade as an attempt to teach or evaluate what has been learned, they are in reality much more valuable as an opportunity to hone the players skills of avoidance. Avoidance, after all, may quite possibly be the most important and readily transferable skill in one’s bag of tricks later in life. Avoidance must never be confused with mere procrastination, the aim of which is to put off work to a later date and time. No, Avoidance has its feet firmly planted on the summit and pinnacle of true gamesmanship, the ability to succeed without actually doing. School is abundant with opportunities to exercise this skill. Essay exams, for instance, offer the master player exhilarating avenues to explore the fine art of avoidance. The master player quickly learns that essay exams can be easily defeated by focusing on obscuring what you don’t know rather than wasting valuable time attempting to demonstrate what you do.
Rule Number Six: Seize The Day: School is not unlike any other great athletic or military endeavor populated with countless fine athletes and soldiers content to slog away on the line or in the trenches only to have their quarterback or general rise up to dart across that goal line or plant the flag on that hilltop, seizing the glory and accolades of their fans or countrymen around them. The key to winning this game is quite often in knowing when to hand the ball off or send another wave of grunts, and knowing when to carry the ball or swoop onto the hilltop yourself. Group projects, while revered by your opponents as a synergetic fusion of academic and social learning opportunity, are ripe for exploitation on this playing field. The key to execution of this tactic is the understanding that there is one thing most players fear more than work itself; that is presenting the work. Overcoming the fear of presenting uniquely positions you to Seize the Day and steal the glory, effectively taking credit for all the laborious work of your fallen comrades.
Rule Number Seven: Keep Your Eye on the Prize: Last, but perhaps most importantly, you must always remain focused on the goal, graduation (with a diploma). Never let your opponents or fellow players distract you with nonsense like actual acquisition of useful academia or burden you with the heavy load of real knowledge in any subject area. A carefully selected smattering of trivia in any curricular area will be sufficient to slide peacefully by in any future social or occupational situation. Again, the critics and less skilled players will attempt to persuade you otherwise with laughably irrational arguments that the journey is more important than the destination, and that knowledge is the beginning of understanding or the key to unlocking your full potential. The master player nods and smiles patronizingly in the face of such attacks, realizing that they are usually short lived and have no real power to hurt him. If, however, the opponent continues to push the issue, you may be forced to unleash the full, unbridled power of your game. Dig in, after all it is a game, and games are about winning. You know your opponent, use that knowledge and let him know how much you appreciate his sage advice and guidance in life, and assure him that you will always seek him out in times of need, even though, according to the rules, section five, subsection three of the newly revised school board policy removed the requirement of attending his class due to your second aunt’s ethnic heritage and the reclassification of your diagnosis as ADD, ADHD, LEP, ESL, 504,502,and admission to MENSA. Misdirect him into a conversation about the current state of compulsory education in light of the disintegrating American Nuclear Family and the insufficient budgets and salary allocations for schools and educators alike, thus effectively ending any further discussion of your personal educational process and avoiding any admissions of what you don’t know. As soon as your opponent really gets going down this path of discussion, seize the moment, reminding him of how successfully he has mentored the countless lost souls like yourself and how grateful you will be as you gaze through misty eyes across that glorious graduation stage at his proud visage as you accept that long awaited, hard won, pinnacle of accomplishment, your high school diploma!